Moving To A New City

Probably one of the most important first steps in moving to a new city is acting like you've been living there for years. It's like when you are a freshman in high school. I don't know about you people, but I'm pretty sure I tried as hard as I could to memorize where everything was so I wouldn't look like a Stupid Freshman walking the unforgiving halls of Thomas Worthington HS. This lesson was also repeated on a larger scale during the first year of college.

Of course, moving to a new city (and a bigger city at that) poses quite a challenge but also one I am willing to take on. Here are some tips that I have been learning along the way in order to pass myself off as an Authentic Chicagoan:

Use maps discreetly.
The first point is the most obvious. Don't be overt in your map consultations. Duck into alleys or keep it out of the line of sight of passersby. If they find you looking at a map they will immediately judge you and will never accept you as one of their own. You don't want to be the runt that gets mercilessly eaten by hyenas, now do you?

Walk briskly and with purpose.
You don't want to be just strolling along, wandering in a zig-zag all LA DEE DAH DEE DAH. Cityfolk hate this and will yell at you and call you a "tourist," which is about as bad as a racial slur (maybe even worse). Walk like you know what's up. Also keep in mind that if you walk too fast it will have the opposite effect and you will draw attention to yourself by looking like you either have no idea where you are going or are irrationally paranoid of getting mugged in broad daylight.

Don't look up at the buildings.
As big and impressive as they are you must ignore the skyscrapers. The only people that get caught up in the awe and grandeur of tall buildings are tourists and Mary Tyler Moore. There should be no slowing down to look at buildings, no gaping maw, and absolutely no spinning in circles. If you must look at the buildings, pretend you are about to sneeze or that something is in your eye.

Don't look happy. Ever.
In order to truly assimilate into city culture you must be willing to travel the city while looking disinterested and apathetic. At the very least carry a blank expression on your face. This trick is especially imperative when riding on public transportation. Don't make eye contact. Don't smile. Look like you hate your life. That should do the trick.

These tips should get you started.

On a more personal note, I signed a lease for an apartment in Ukrainian Village and will be moving in come early September. I'm rather excited in every respect except for the ridiculous increase in expenses it will must assuredly cause.